Balancing a Relationship with a New Baby

Having a baby is one of the most rewarding experiences of a mother and father's lives. The idea of bringing another being into the world is a huge blessing. However, having a baby is also a stressful experience that often tests the strength of relationships. According to aboutkidshealth.ca,  more couples today are seeking relationship counseling after having a baby than ever before.

When the twins were born, the dynamics of my fiance and I relationship changed dramatically and the realization that our relationship pre-baby would never be the same frightened us both.


We did not know that the role change, new adjustments and financial set backs were the causes of our misunderstandings and conflicts. A relationship that was so strong was slowly crumbling as the diaper changes, chores, sleepless nights and feedings affected us both.

A New Mom

Both partners need to understand that being a parent for the first time is not an easy tasks, however, the role of a mom is the most challenging and role changing in a women's life. Aboutkidshealth.ca, describes the life change best stating that whereas we were once surrounded by friends, able to go to different places freely, now, our needs are less important and are secondary to a newborn baby. What my fiance did not understand (although he said he did) as a stay at home mom, my days are the babies; I eat, sleep and breathe them and when they were born, chores, cleaning and dinner took a back seat. My fiance would walk into the house from a long day of work expecting dinner and he often found himself making his own food; I just did not have time, which caused one our first arguments; expecting me to still take care of the house when I had my hands full double time.

I felt that he had one up on me because he was already a parent (he has two kids from a prior relationship) and here I was still learning. Rather than help me, he use to tell me what to do and I could not stand that. I do not like to be wrong and I like to get things right the first time; to me, I thought he was speaking to me as if I did not know what I was doing, as if I was not a good mother.

A New Dad

By the time I was done putting the babies to sleep, I was too tired and cranky to be intimate with my fiance. I was not ready for the sleep deprivation that I was experiencing and the arguing annoyed me so much that I did not want to be around him; he did not want to be around me either. Instead of being a team, we were becoming enemies. Dad.info states that fathers often feel left out because now the attention is on the baby. Fathers may also feel left out because they are at work all day and missed out on the new things that were learned. Taking care of twins is overwhelming and I did not realize how much I was shutting my fiance out; from our relationship and from him to spend time with the girls. I wanted to be super mom and do everything myself, but I had to understand that we are a family and he needed to be involved as well.


Helpful ways to Improve your Relationship With your Partner After Having a Baby

Understanding: Mothers are home with the baby for at least 3 months (sometimes fathers are as well). Spouses can help try to understand how hectic their partner's day is. Be empathetic that there will be times dinner is not on the table. Be a confident rather than distant, often times, your partner wants to talk about their day and have a sense of relief.

Communication: One of my fiance and I main problem was communication. We were too busy thinking the change in the relationship was about us being mad at each other rather than the big picture; a new edition to the family that we have to working into our relationship. We were both stressed out and frustrated. After realizing what was the cause of our down fall, we started sitting down and talking about what was on our mind. We stayed away from "you" statements and used "I" statements. Sometimes, when I thought of something that I needed to get off my chest, I wrote a letter to my fiance because I found it easier at times to express myself through writing.

Do Not Shut Out: Remember your partner is in this too. They may not handle the baby as you would but that is okay. Do not think that you are alone or have to be perfect in raising your baby; it takes time to set a routine and learn about your child.

Couple Time: Even if it for 15 minutes, find a time to sit and talk or be intimate. Do not forget about your needs, which is hard to do. If friends or family members want to help out, TAKE IT! They are offering for a reason.

Me Time: My mother suggested that when my fiance comes home from a long day of work, if needed, he should take 15-30 minutes to himself and when he was done, I would take mine. Sometimes, we need time to recollect our thoughts in order to deal with one another.

Some may read this blog and say, this will never be me. I never thought a baby would change our relationship, how could it? Having a baby is a joy. Remember, before it was just the two of you, in my cause we add TWO new editions to our already hectic lives. The best advice is communication. Our spouses (although we would love them to be) are not mind readers. Let your partner know what is going on with you before it becomes more than needed.

Win Free Baby Products Every Week!

To say thank you for those who are support the blog, I am doing a Giveaway every week. Win baby products for your newborn or toddler even for a friend that is having a baby!

Here's How


Do THREE of the following:
1. Like our Facebook Page
2. Post on your Facebook Page
3. Tweet our post
4. Become a follower of blog preemietwinsandme.blogspot.com
4. Post a picture of your baby bump or your baby!

That's it, winners will be randomly selected the following Monday of each week. U.S. residents only! So, Let's get ready!

First Giveaway is....

Aveeno Baby Gift Set, Daily Care Essentials Basket, Baby and Mommy gift set 

Where Are They Now? We Are 8 Months!

One of the purposes of this blog is to inform expectant mothers, parents or caregivers about premature infants  such as their development but also to educate and relate to those about babies in general, more specifically, raising twins. My blog incorporates many different avenues, I like to think, I offer tips, advice and stories for everyone, including those who do not have children...yet.

When I first began this blog, I wanted to share stories about being a new mom to twin girls who were also born 2 months early. As I started writing and receiving comments, I realized that I had a lot more to offer, advice, tips, secrets, not just about raising premature infants but on raising babies in general. Parenthood is sometimes an experiment; we figure out what works, what doesn't and try to fix it depending on the baby.

My soon to be husband and I (yes, we finally set a date) are asked many questions on our daily trips with the girls, but the main question that is asked is "how do we do it?" That question will be answered in a different blog or perhaps, a video of a typical day for us, however, we sometimes receive comments on the size of the girls.

Technically, the girls are 8 months, gestational (the age due to being born early) is 6 months. Frankly, I do not put too much emphasis on their gestational age. Some parents of preemie think gestational age plays a significant role and it does, but they get so wrapped into it that they think their infant will also we a preemie.

Unfortunately, being born early may cause some delays (some more significant than others) in development. Although for some babies (full term included) may reach milestones later on or not at all, as a parent of twins who were born early, I pay close attention. It becomes apparent as to whom has it what milestone because I have two.

As I share my beautiful girls in the world (yes, I am bias) with the social media community, many wonder how they are developing. I received a comment through an email from a person who assumed that because the girls were born early that they would automatically encounter disabilities later in life. I am not sure what the future will hold, but as of date, my girls are developing wonderfully. But, do not take my opinion, take the opinion of their doctor as well.

I have stated in several blogs that I was truly blessed that my girls did so well after being born 2 months premature. As they grow, I can see where being born early is affecting them. For starters, the girls are a lot shorter than most babies that are their age. It could also be that their parents are short. The girls have smaller feet and hands but weigh almost 20lbs (probably more). With the physical appearances indicating that they were born early, for the most part, the development says otherwise, mostly, they are right on target.

So, how are the girls doing? :Let's take a look.

Mya

Mya, first day of spring

Age: 8 Months and One Week

Weight: 19lbs 6oz (This can change on Monday, April 2nd)

Length: ?

Biggest Accomplishments at 7 months: Tripod sit for more than 30 seconds, getting the hang of walking, reaching and grabbing.

Full term developments at 8 months (If she was born at full term: According to Babycenter.com, Your baby's now exploring objects by shaking them, banging them, dropping them, and throwing them before falling back on the tried-and-true method of gumming them. The idea that you do something with an object is beginning to emerge (using a comb to tidy hair), so an activity center with lots of things your baby can bang, poke, twist, squeeze, shake, drop, and open will fascinate. Your baby will also be mesmerized by toys that have specific functions, such as phones. If she can't hold it up to her ear herself, do it for her and pretend to have a conversation. Over the next few months, she'll start to use objects for their intended purposes — brushing her hair, drinking from a cup, and babbling on her play phone.
What is Mya up to at 8 months? Mya can now sit upright and as babycenter.com mentioned, she is exploring objects, shaking them and putting them in her mouth before she drops them. This girl is on the move, thanks to her Aunt for donating a walker, Mya takes off and before you know it she is the kitchen when she started off in the living room! At the beginning of 4 months, Mya was lifting her self up during tummy and lifts her head and back off the floor, which she continues to do. Mya is going to by pass crawling is going to just walk. She is still fussy at times, but she is just a baby who knows what she wants. She continues to open her little mouth for food and is now grabbing the spoon to do it herself. She has not holding the bottle just yet, but we are working on it. She loves the Iphone, every second she is scrolling the screen with her fingers and ending phone calls with her grandma (I am not sure if she is doing this on purpose). Mya is still teething and the white fronts of her teeth are beginning to appear.

There are certain things that make her laugh such as spinning her around, her favorite show, Yo Gabba Gabba, she even recognizes the songs from the show when I sing it for her. She has not quite started making "bbb" or "ma" sounds but she is getting there. For the most part, she seems to be quite on track.

Twin Time: I remember when Mya use to never acknowledge her twin sister Milani even though Milani loved her from the begining. Now, the girls laugh at each other and talk all the time. Mya could be in the walker and Milani in the high chair and from across the room they are smiling at eachother and talking. It is a twin thing.

Likes/Dislikes: Mya loves to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and simply be entertained, she does not like to get her hair done.

Milani AKA "MiMi"

Milani, first day of spring

Age: 8 months and one week

Weight: 19lbs 4oz (That Can Change)

Height: 26in?????

Biggest Accomplishments at 7 months: Milani officially began to stand (with support), she also started reaching for objects, however they had to be in close proximity to her hand in order for her to reach it.

What is Milani Up to at 8 Months? While Mya can be the serious twin, Milani always lights up a room with her bubbly, carefree and friendly attitude. Milani always has a smile on her face and says hi to everyone, even strangers. After four months of consistent trying, Milani has now rolled over from the right side to the left while lifting up in tummy time position. Even though she doesn't move as much lifting, she is now rising on her hands rather than her arms. She now can take the pacifier in and out of her mouth as well as grab objects that are not close to her. She is fascinated with putting things her mouth and seeing what they do. Milani has started siting up as well for more than 30 seconds. She is trying to hold her bottle and the spoon during feeding time. Milani also drops objects on the floor. Although Mya is the more needed twin, Milani has begun to find the need to want to be held and receive attention as well. She still grunts at times to communicate.

A book worm at heart, Milani loves Dr Seuss and screams in excitement at each turning page. She has also found her voice, recognizing that she can scream as loud as she wants. Blowing raspberries with the tongue sticking out is her favorite thing to do while talking to Snoopy, the family dog. Always an independent, self soother, Milani can be by herself and be quite content.

Twin Time: Milani has always loved her big sister (by 60 seconds) Mya and she knows that when she screams, Mya laughs and responds. She even knows how to calm Mya down by taken her hand into hers. Sometimes, they act alike and do the same thing at the same time.

Likes/Dislikes: Milani loves to blow raspberries, read and talk to her friend Snoopy. She does not like to be on her back or alone at times.

How are your babies developing? Let us know!

Bringing New Babies into a Blended Family

I am not ashamed, nor am I embarrassed; after 5 1/2 years, I have come to terms with the situation. Do not misunderstand, I love them, like them and have learned throughout the years that they did not ask to be here, more importantly, they really like me. I have grown to love them because I have known them since they were three and four years old. As I have mentioned, it is only now that I am no longer upset that my soon to be fiance has two other kids from a previous relationship.

It is not a topic I share quite often with others and although it is more common for a significant other to have children, many, still judge and immediately say "I could NEVER date anyone with kids!" I use to say that too; I had a check list of the perfect man and already have kids was definetely not on it, however, I fell for a man who did, so sue me.

At first, I could not get over that the man that I love made two creations with someone else? How could this man be near perfect but has this one imperfection? It took me awhile to realize that having children is not an imperfection, it is a blessing. I use to confuse the love he had for his children with feelings he still had for his
"baby mama," again, a realization that I learned years later that the love that one has for a child(ren) is separate from any feelings that one could have for someone else.

I share this part of my relationship for several reasons; being with a man who has children has it perks, I am able to see what kind of father he would be to our children as well as he could teach me or give me advice on some aspects of parenting. Needless to say, his children are pretty awesome.


How will "Everyone" else react to the news?

The most obvious reaction when finding out that you are pregnant is excitement. I would be lying if I didn't mentioned that in the back of my mind I was nervous on how "she" (we do not need to know the baby mama by name) and the kids would react to the new edition (at the time I thought there was just one). Some ask, why does their opinion matter? My response is that it is not necessarly "her" opinion that I care about, it is the children's feelings that give me pause. If you have not figured it out, the children do not live with us and we see them maybe twice a year. The relationship with my father is extremely rocky to the point of non-existent and I would hate for the kids to feel that they are not wanted, neglected or that we did not care about them because their father and I were having children together.

As I reached my sixth month of being pregnant, my fiance spilled the beans to the baby mama and the children. Naturally, she was upset and I didn't ask how the children felt.

The Kids are More Mature than I am

I do not want my readers to misinterpret this blog as if I am bashing blended families because I am not. My brother is a mere product of a blended family (from my father) and I love him dearly. I am pretty sure that I am not alone as to wonder how to bring new editions into a family that is somewhat established. For starters, explain the situation with the other children. Luckly, my fiance and "her" have not been together for a long time and the children know that so it was not hard to say that we were having babies. Second, send pictures to get them ready to meet in person. Third, just do it! Have them involved in some parts of the daily routine of taken care of their new brother or sister or both or one or the other. The kids met my daughters on Christmas and to my surprise they were extremely excited. They wanted to help, hold them, take pictures with them and my fiance's daughter even brought them a gift. I do not remember if I was even that mature when my father told me that his girlfriend was having a baby and I was in college. Eased my mind that they did not feel neglected but involved. There wasn't any awkward feelings at all.

Blended Families 

I will admit that I use to be jealous of my fiance and "her" because they shared something so special that I yurned for. I also did not understand the love that he had for them until I had my own. The anxiety I felt before was gone because now my fiance and I had children of our own together. I always wanted a brother and unfortunately my mother and father did not stay together long enough for that to happen; however, I got one in a different way and I would not change it for anything. There were times when blended families were look down upon or was taboo, but now, it is the modern American family. I am lucky that have future step children who embrace such change and love their sisters so much.

6 Months and Eating Solid Foods

This is an update blog and I PROMISE to write more often; I did not realize how many fans I had.

*UPDATE* Mya and Milani are now 6 months and a week old. Times has flown! I remember visiting the NICU once I was released from the hospital to bring the girls breast milk and visit. Then, I thought I wasn't getting any sleep, but I soon realize, that was an understatement. The real work doesn't begin until they come home.

I discussed in a previous blog that I do not look at my girls any differently because they were born premature. I am aware that there are certain milestones they might get to later but for the most part, they are on schedule. I say this because now that my girls are 6 months, the doctor approved them for starting solid foods.

One Has it, the Other...Not So Much

Nuby Hot Safe Spoons Walmart $3.00

Since they were 5 months, I began giving the girls cereal in their bottle. They were on 8 oz of formula and still wanted more. I gave cereal during breakfast time ( one tablespoon) and one at night. Sometimes, the cereal helped them go to sleep faster and other days it did not. To introduce the girls to solid food, I started putting the cereal in a bowl with a couple of tablespoons of formula. When starting a baby on solid food, make sure the spoon is rubber and has a small scoop. I recommend Nuby hot safe spoons; they are small and there is a color indicator that changes when the food is too hot.

Boon Inc. Spoon Target $7.00

I also recommend the Boon Inc. squirt baby spoon. Feed a baby can get messy and the Boon Inc. spoon makes the mess manageable by having a compartment to store food in the spoon that squirts out when parents squeeze. I was extremely nervous to start the girls on solid food and in the beginning it was a challenge. Mya and Milani both cried as well as started spitting out the cereal. I felt myself getting frustrated because I really wanted them to eat by spoon. I had to remember that babies aren't dolls, they are not robots and have their own mind. I also remembered that my girls were preemies and may not be ready just yet and that is okay. The last thought quickly faded as Mya started taken the spoon and gumming the cereal, swallowing every bit and opening her mouth for more. Milani, to this day, I am still  working on but she has gotten much better. She would not gum the food, nor swallow. As time went on, she has figured out what to do but she still spits some of it. Mothers with twins, REMEMBER just because they are twins does not mean they are going to do the same thing or develop the same. A lesson that I will forever learn. 

Baby Will Not Take Food, Now What? 

At 6 months, most babies are ready to begin eating solid foods, however, that does not mean they are ready. Here are some signs that suggest if a baby is ready or not: 

• Can sit up right with support or with out support
• Moves toward bottle 
• Opens mouth wide before the bottle comes into contact 
• Makes noise or watches you eat your own food 
• Grabs bottle or tries to hold on their own with support 

If the baby can do some or all of these signs but will not take the food; here are some more suggestions to try that have worked for my twins:

• If your baby is crying because they are extremely hungry and want their bottle, try using a rattle or a favorite toy that makes noise to get their attention and feed them while shaking the object. 
• Patience. Do not try to over feed your baby just get it over with, put a little food on the TIP of the spoon at a time. If some of the food comes out of their mouth, swipe with the spoon and try again.
• To feed; feed your baby with a scoop motion, making sure the food hits the roof of their mouth so they can swallow. 
• Tried all the suggestions and still won't swallow? Try again in a week or so. Breast milk or formula is still the main source of nutrition, so it is okay if they do not take the cereal or any other solid food right away. 

Do Not Get Discourage

To mothers of infants who were born premature, remember the joy you felt when your baby finally got the hang of suck, breathe, swallow when eating by bottle? It was a challenge for your little one because of being born early and it was a huge milestone when they mastered it. Eating solids is the same thing and is the same way for those who were born full term. For 6 months (others maybe less) your baby received their food through the bottle, now they have to learn to swallow and chew. Some get the hang of it (like Mya) others will take a little longer. Keep working on it. As I mentioned before, try again in a week or so. 

Trying New Foods 

Research has suggested to try new foods with your baby in 5 to 8 days durations because you want to your baby to know the taste of each particular food. I do not recommend mixing foods together just yet.  Your doctor may suggest starting with cereal first. At the beginning, give cereal in a bowl after the first formula or breast milk feeding. Sometimes babies are extremely hungry and are not in the mood to gum solids. Before they go to sleep, give cereal in a bowl with the last feeding of the night. 

Doctors have stated to start babies with vegetables first and then move on to fruits. I suggest sweet potato and string beans. Gerber's foods are labeled with certain levels so parents know which food to start off with. 

What are your tips for solid foods?

The RSV Blues

It is every mothers worst fear, when your baby is sick. We all think that our baby can defend against any colds but I learned that it is inevitable.

I Thought it was Just Teething...

My girls began teething at four months. They have experienced most of symptoms of excessive drooling, itchy gums, placing their fingers or my fingers in their mouths and becoming fussy. When I noticed the girls were drooling mucus, I just assumed that it was because of the teething. Instantly they began to cough for two days and as I researched about the coughing, the information stated that it was because of teething. However, as the days went on the coughing and the mucus drool became worst.

It's Time To Go To the ER...

My fiance came home from work and released me from my motherly duty so that I could go outside and run some errands. On my way back, he called me in a panic. "Milani is choking on all this spit, she will not stop!" I was already aware. Every time Milani took a sip of formula, she would immediately began to choke for at least 10 minutes and then proceed to scream because of the pain. Mya was starting to become the same way. When I got home, I placed the girls in front of the humidifier and began to suck some of the mucus out of their nose. Those with babies know, they hate the nose suction like the hate to be denied food. For a moment it seemed to be working until I looked over at Mya who was slumped down in her car seat. She appeared to be lethargic and I decided it's time to take their temperature.

I took the temperature every hour throughout the day along with Tylenol because their temperature would seem to start to rise. As I stuck the thermometer rectally, Mya's temperature was rising every second. It went from 98 to 99 to 100 to 101 to 102 in a blink of an eye. I looked over to my fiance and said, "it is time to go to the ER." I called my mother to let her know and she said that she would meet us over there. We got the girls ready, hopped in the car and drove to the hospital where they were born. I was praying I would never see this place again.

There Isn't a Treatment for RSV...

Word of advice, if possible, try to take your baby to the hospital where they were born because their information is already in the hospital's system and that means less paper work to fill out. We were placed in a room and watching my girls be defeated against this cold, broke my heart. Mya had a fever and Milani could not eat. I just wanted answers. We were in the hospital since 9pm and at 4am  after the chest x-rays, the abuterol treatment (helps open the lung passage ways and helps with wheezing) and mucus culture, the doctor finally comes in and tells me the news. My daughters have bronchitis, which was caused by RSV. Bronchitis is when the air sacs in the lungs are filled and are close shut.
What is RSV?

RSV stands for Respiratory Syncytial Virus, a leading cause of bronchitis. It is a very common virus and everyone has had it at least once before the age of three in the U.S. RSV virus is spread through close contact with infected people or through contact with contaminated surfaces or objects. In adults and older children, the symptoms of respiratory syncytial virus are similar to the common cold. However, the RSV virus can sometimes be severe, especially in premature babies.Symptoms include:

• Cough
• Stuffy Nose
• Mucus
• Yellow or Green Mucus
• Fever

Because RSV is a virus, there isn't any medicine that can make it go away. Unfortunately, it goes away on its own. However, there are certain things that you can do to help your baby feel more comfortable.

• Place them in front of the humidifier so the moisture can open their passage ways.
• The doctor may prescribe a nebulizer and abuterol to help open the passage ways as well. This does not help with getting rid of the cough but the moisture helps the mucus run down the nose.
• Saline. Saline breaks up the mucus.
• Suction. Use the nose aspirator daily. I use it every time for a feeding or when the girls and are just relaxing. I recommend the Nose Frida, it is amazing.
• Wash your hands and disinfect daily

How are the Girls now?

I'm please to say that the girls are doing much better. They are eating and coming back to their normal selves. The cough will last for another week or so but it is breaking down.

I Still Feel Like I am Eating For Two: The Start of My Weight Loss

I was sitting in my mothers kitchen when she asked me, "are you sure you are not pregnant again?" I looked down at my stomach and if I hadn't already finished my menstrual cycle, I would have thought I was at least three months pregnant.

It is a struggle most women go through, trying to loose the pregnancy weight. I never struggled with my weight before and after the girls were delivered, I actually slimmed down a lot quicker due to breastfeeding (which I unfortuantely stopped. Once the girls came home and I was no longer working, food became my escape from the screams and cries. As I ate one serving, I still felt the need to fill myself with other nonsense such as cookies, cake, hamburgers, etc. because I still had the room in my stomach.

One afternoon, I put on a tight shirt and from the side profile, my stomach fell over my jeans. It was the most embarassing image I ever saw. Of course the obvious solution is to exercise and small portions of food; replace unhealthy snacks with healthy ones. As new moms or veterans, especially those who stay at home, understand raising newborns is tough. The only time I get a breather is when the girls take their nap during the day and when they go sleep, which is around 10:30pm. At that point, the last thing I want to do is exercise.

Not an excuse but I am in the house 7 days a week as I am currently looking for employment (I just cannot take anything) and I am in school. When I am bored, I turn to food or Facebook. Before the babies I was at work, I had time on my hands to work out. I didn't realize how much of myself I was sacrificing when I had the girls; how much of myself gets lost just so they can survive.

The Wii Rose From the Grave...or The Bottom of The Box

The days that my fiance is off I am able to get in some Zumba on the Wii (I am too broke to join a gym). I started Zumba when my fiance was at work and that was a huge mistake. A 15 minute session on the Wii turned into an hour because I had stop and see who is crying or stop and feed the twins; that was a work out in itself.

Our Daily Walks

I cannot stay in the house for a long period of time. An alternative to me eating the worst snacks is the girls and I go on our walks either to the park, the library or the mall. I would think by my walking all over Brooklyn, my weight would just disappear, but it is the food aspect that I am working on.

Jennifer Hudson Diet

Jennifer Hudson had a son and she looks better than she did before she was pregnant. I want to be the size that I was when my fiance met me. Part of me however likes the thickness that I have acquired. I do not want my readers to get the wrong impression, I am not 200 lbs or 180 lbs, I weight 154 lbs and I am 5"2. I decided that after Thanksgiving it was time to get back into shape. I found the meal plan that Jennifer Hudson did with Weight Watchers, which I have done Weight Watchers and it does work) went to the grocery store to buy the items in order to begin. The problem with meal plans, some of the items I do not like to eat. For example, greek yogurt. I cannot stand greek yogurt but I ate it with Kashi cereal. It is difficult to diet when the items are not tasty. Needless to say, I have quit the Hudson meal plan and I am currently looking else where for a plan that will work for me.

My Goals for the New Year

My goal for myself and my family is to start loosing the weight January 1st 2012. My other goals is to finish school so that I can finally have a career and stop working these dead end jobs. I am not just doing this for me, I am doing this for my girls.