Monday, January 30, 2012

Bringing New Babies into a Blended Family

I am not ashamed, nor am I embarrassed; after 5 1/2 years, I have come to terms with the situation. Do not misunderstand, I love them, like them and have learned throughout the years that they did not ask to be here, more importantly, they really like me. I have grown to love them because I have known them since they were three and four years old. As I have mentioned, it is only now that I am no longer upset that my soon to be fiance has two other kids from a previous relationship.

It is not a topic I share quite often with others and although it is more common for a significant other to have children, many, still judge and immediately say "I could NEVER date anyone with kids!" I use to say that too; I had a check list of the perfect man and already have kids was definetely not on it, however, I fell for a man who did, so sue me.

At first, I could not get over that the man that I love made two creations with someone else? How could this man be near perfect but has this one imperfection? It took me awhile to realize that having children is not an imperfection, it is a blessing. I use to confuse the love he had for his children with feelings he still had for his
"baby mama," again, a realization that I learned years later that the love that one has for a child(ren) is separate from any feelings that one could have for someone else.

I share this part of my relationship for several reasons; being with a man who has children has it perks, I am able to see what kind of father he would be to our children as well as he could teach me or give me advice on some aspects of parenting. Needless to say, his children are pretty awesome.

How will "Everyone" else react to the news?

The most obvious reaction when finding out that you are pregnant is excitement. I would be lying if I didn't mentioned that in the back of my mind I was nervous on how "she" (we do not need to know the baby mama by name) and the kids would react to the new edition (at the time I thought there was just one). Some ask, why does their opinion matter? My response is that it is not necessarly "her" opinion that I care about, it is the children's feelings that give me pause. If you have not figured it out, the children do not live with us and we see them maybe twice a year. The relationship with my father is extremely rocky to the point of non-existent and I would hate for the kids to feel that they are not wanted, neglected or that we did not care about them because their father and I were having children together.

As I reached my sixth month of being pregnant, my fiance spilled the beans to the baby mama and the children. Naturally, she was upset and I didn't ask how the children felt.

The Kids are More Mature than I am

I do not want my readers to misinterpret this blog as if I am bashing blended families because I am not. My brother is a mere product of a blended family (from my father) and I love him dearly. I am pretty sure that I am not alone as to wonder how to bring new editions into a family that is somewhat established. For starters, explain the situation with the other children. Luckly, my fiance and "her" have not been together for a long time and the children know that so it was not hard to say that we were having babies. Second, send pictures to get them ready to meet in person. Third, just do it! Have them involved in some parts of the daily routine of taken care of their new brother or sister or both or one or the other. The kids met my daughters on Christmas and to my surprise they were extremely excited. They wanted to help, hold them, take pictures with them and my fiance's daughter even brought them a gift. I do not remember if I was even that mature when my father told me that his girlfriend was having a baby and I was in college. Eased my mind that they did not feel neglected but involved. There wasn't any awkward feelings at all.

Blended Families 

I will admit that I use to be jealous of my fiance and "her" because they shared something so special that I yurned for. I also did not understand the love that he had for them until I had my own. The anxiety I felt before was gone because now my fiance and I had children of our own together. I always wanted a brother and unfortunately my mother and father did not stay together long enough for that to happen; however, I got one in a different way and I would not change it for anything. There were times when blended families were look down upon or was taboo, but now, it is the modern American family. I am lucky that have future step children who embrace such change and love their sisters so much.


  1. In reading this seems like you were talking about my life. My relationship with my father is non-existent and I have become OK with that. I was the first person to say that I did not want to date a man with child, but like you I could pass up a great guy. My hubby has a daughter with another woman. I use to think like you did, but then I realized that relationship and the child had nothing to do with our relationship. It did not matter that child did not come from me she is still apart of our family. We worked through all the baby mama drama, because it had nothing to do with us. It was about our family and not her. I realized that her issues were not with me but with herself. Once I realized that we were much better off. Our daughter, his daughter and my step-daughter, is very excited about upcoming baby.